If you are thinking of separating, you have to read what this guy wrote!
Last year at about this time my wife of 13 years left me. She had started an emotional affair with a salesman that comes into her work twice a year. I had no idea pain could be this intense. There were times I didn’t eat for days. I couldn’t concentrate on work. I was a complete mess.
My wife and I ended up getting back together and although it’s been rough at times I believe we are on the right track. We’ve read about the five love languages and we’ve gone to marriage counseling. I truly believe this point in our marriage was a test.
The new love feeling wears off no matter who you are with. It doesn’t last. If you really want to experience true love you must not let yourself give in to the temptation of a “hit” of the new love feeling. Chemicals are present in your body when you experience the “newness” love that acts like a drug. If you are a slave to that drug you will never know the high you can obtain from true love. As soon as it wears off with one partner you will hang around until another ignites that feeling again and repeat the pattern indefinitely.
True love is not easy, it takes work, commitment, and compassion. A good quote to live by is on the great days I am committed to my husband, on the bad days I am committed to my marriage, on the horrible days I am committed to my commitment.
There will be bad times in every marriage when you want to give up, you must tell yourself this will pass. If you never experience bad times you can’t appreciate the good times. This last year has opened my eyes to how special my marriage is and how important it is to maintain the intimacy and communication. I know it is hard to resist that newness feeling, which is why you must have boundaries to protect yourself from developing those feelings for anyone outside your marriage. Hopefully this opens someone’s eyes and makes them think a bit deeper about their decision.
Despite the fact that I am not shy when it comes to conveying my strong negative feelings about cheating, I think that there is a lot of good that can come from taking this man’s advice.
This story offers hope that a couple can overcome cheating if they take steps—like reading books and going to marriage counseling, and if they are committed to trying to make it work. I do have an issue with the wife choosing to cheat if she was unhappy. I’m not going to lie. That said, I wasn’t in the marriage so I shouldn’t be judging.
I happen to love this guy because he had the self-awareness to realize that he wasn’t making his wife happy. Instead of saying *uck you and leaving, he decided to make an effort to make things work. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to trust someone after cheating, but people do it. It takes a lot of patience and courage.
His points about the newness drug are spot on. I’m sort of in that newness phase with someone right now and he with me. Is what we have real? I think so, but only time will give us the real truth. Newness really is like a drug, and if someone is unhappy in a marriage, and someone he/she finds attractive comes along and gives them attention, love, admiration and respect—all things they might find are missing in their marriage, I could see how it could be easy to fall. And then once they start the relationship, like a drug, they keep craving more.
I think the advice here is: First, if possible, never let your marriage get to that point. Nurture it every day and act like you are in that newness phase forever.
But, if you are on this website, you are most likely not in a really happy marriage. So, maybe this guy’s situation will inspire you not to give up, and instead, sit your wife (or husband) down and say, “I want this to work. What is it going to take?” And if he/she says, “It’s too late,” don’t give up right away. Who cares about pride? Not smart people.
I am excluding victims of physical and mental abuse and spouses of those with addictions and/or mental illnesses, or some other circumstance that is what many call “a dealbreaker.” In other words, there are some instances where divorce is a better option than staying. Only you know in your heart what’s right.
In closing, I think that temptation is possible when it comes to people of the opposite sex. Cheating is available to us at anytime if we want. I just know that if I was married and I met someone and wanted to cheat, the best, most logical thing to do about it would be to tell my spouse. I would talk to him/her like I would my best friend, because honestly, isn’t your spouse supposed to be that? I don’t even think the spouse would be upset, because instead of cheating, I expressed my true feelings in an effort to communicate what I felt and save/make the marriage stronger. Who would be mad at someone for that?
Remember, the newness of every relationship wears off (simply because it’s not new anymore), but hopefully “new” is replaced by trust, commitment, an unbreakable bond, and of course, true love.
JIA
I recently went through the exact same thing as this guy, except my wife, at the time, never really bought into the counseling. My only little extra bit advice…take total responsibility for you (what you did and what you’re doing to become a better person…don’t change for them…change for you) BUT don’t fool yourself to avoid the pain. If the other’s person’s actions consistently show you they still want to go….let them go. You will be happier in the long run. And you’ll be a better person from the whole experience.