Stop Looking for The One and Focus On "The Ones"

I’m not sure there is a man or a woman on this planet who isn’t looking for the one, and who hasn’t asked the question, “Where the hell is he or she already??” Let’s not kid ourselves and say we don’t care. We do. It’s an innate human trait to want to find true love.

But when I got a question from a recently divorced man asking, “ Is it ever going to be easy finding someone again?” I got to thinking:

1. Is it me or does he seem really anxious to have someone (meaning a significant other) really soon after his divorce?
2. Why is he looking at finding someone as being not “easy?”

I have an idea for this guy. Actually, anyone looking for the one might want to try it:

Why not look for “the ones?”

What I mean by that is, when you go back into the dating scene, whether it’s after a marriage or a short or long term relationship, or even if you’ve taken a long break and you’re ready to start dating again, instead of putting all your energy and time into looking for the one—your true love, your soul mate, your next husband/wife, focus on meeting and spending time with several people who will enrich your life in many different ways? How will this help you meet the one? I’ll get to that, but first, here are “the ones” I’m talking about:

1. Your funny friends, who gives you the gift of smiling, laughing and cracking up so hard sometimes that you spit up food.
2. Your spiritual friends, who are a constant reminder of the importance of gratitude, having faith and asking God for what you want.
3. Your sporty friends who will keep you in shape by meeting you at the gym, playing golf or tennis with you, or even meeting you at your neighborhood juice bar for a green smoothie.
4. Your adventurous friends who will push you to go outside your comfort level. This can include anything from trying a new restaurant to a hiking excursion to a visit to a new museum to a trip to the south of France.
5. Your friends in need. I know you know how good it feels to help someone who needs you. Take your friend who just became a widower out for dinner, bring a fruit salad over to someone recovering from surgery, or call a friend who just lost his/her job and invite them over for lunch. Doing thoughtful, caring things brings good karma to everyone. Nothing but good things can come from it.
6. Your smart friends. I love learning from people I respect professionally. I have more mentors than I can count on two hands and I’m always looking for more. You can never have too many if your mind is open.
7. Your besties. Cherish these friendships, the rare ones where you can sit in your friend’s car and complain (and even cry) and he/she sits there and listens. The ones who will badmouth anyone you want them to, just for you-even if they don’t really think it, and the ones who make you laugh till tears are rolling down your cheeks (or again, till you spit up food.)

Surrounding yourself with “the ones” will completely take your focus off of looking for the one, and guess what? When you’re not looking, because you are just sitting back and living each day with people you enjoy, that’s when you will find him or her.

I want to leave you with a quote from one of my favorite writers, Jennifer Styers:

People want to put their own expectations on love as to when it should happen and who it should happen with. They continuously pray for what ‘they’ want, even if they can clearly see that God keeps shutting that door. All the wishing, praying, hoping, wanting & attempts to force it to go our way will NOT work when it is not God’s Will for us. Love happens in HIS way and in HIS time. Period. So truly… we can relax and let Him show us where He wants us to go OR we can fight to keep getting our own way, until we exhaust our spirit to a place where we lose the ONE thing we need to most in order to have love…and that is HOPE! Once we lose that, a little light inside our soul dims. We stop expressing our God given gifts because they are lost somewhere in hopelessness. The secret is letting GO and letting God take control. Our only job is to be happy…to en-JOY this life we have been given. We have to know in our soul that love can happen in any moment. It only takes ONE meeting and we are off running! When we hand God that control and we relax from that ENORMOUS responsibility of finding love, He will send it your way when He knows you AND your true love are BOTH ready! So breathe, smile, love, laugh, have fun…that’s what life is about. The rest of the miracles are His job. by  Jennifer Styers

In closing, looking for the one is exhausting. Like everyone else, I’ve done it. Repeatedly. The one really is out there. But until he/she shows up, “the ones” will keep you more fulfilled than you ever expected.

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.