I wrote a blog post on Divorced Girl Smiling called “Inside the Mind of a Recently Separated 40 Something Woman,” where I talked about the perceptions and insecurities of a woman as it relates to getting older and being single again. It’s a very vulnerable time, and the raw truth is that it’s scary to get naked and show someone your body; a body you’re not comfortable with, especially because it’s older and for most women larger than it was before you were married. The comment below will make any woman cringe. Honestly, to me it reveals a tremendous amount of divorce anger, bitterness and insecurity. Why am I posting it on a divorce site for guys? I want your opinions!
Comment in response to “Inside the Mind of a Recently Separated Woman:”
That type of hook-up sex is nothing to be proud of. Sure, it’s fun, but lots of guys zero in on women they perceive to have low self-esteem so they can get some sex. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. It’s your ability to find a man that’s actually going to stay around that should make you proud. I got divorced at 39 and my ex-wife was 40. She was not bad looking, but having a child and living with her mom (really, mom living with her) puts a serious crimp in her ability attract men. Consequently, she is a single-mom. Me, despite having 50 percent custody, I was able to find and marry a pretty, younger, professional woman, with a child of her own, who has fun with me. If I were a 40 something woman who wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, I’d be pretty depressed.
The first thing I’d like to do is speculate that this man’s wife was the one who wanted the divorce. The reason I say that is because if he left her, he would never have this attitude. He would have some compassion for his ex and he wouldn’t feel the need to let everyone know that he found a “prettier, younger professional woman who has fun with him.”
“Lots of guys zero in on women they perceive to have low self-esteem so they can get some sex.”
Wow. What a dark way of looking at things. This guy is confusing insecure teenage girls with low self-esteem (those are the ones who tend to have sex when given a lot of attention) and insecure middle-aged women. Trust me, newly separated women with low self-esteem don’t jump into bed with the first guy who pays attention to them. They do it when they trust someone and when it seems right. I did not sleep with the guy in that story until after a few dates.
Sure, my guy wanted sex. What guy doesn’t? and yes, he probably suspected I had low self-esteem at the time. But this was a guy who took me out on dates, treated me with respect, and could not have been nicer. In fact, we are still very good friends. We both knew it wasn’t going to be a long term relationship, but it didn’t matter. It really made a difference in my life and you bet I was proud of it!
A couple more things. If this guy said his ex wife isn’t bad looking, I bet she is beautiful. And, I would have LOVED to have lived with my mom temporarily as a newly separated person. Why is that such a bad thing?!
“If I were a 40 something woman who wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, I’d be pretty depressed.”
This comment makes me want to throw up. At 40 years old, I never felt better, stronger, prettier and SMARTER in my life. Those are the best years. AND, I know plenty of men who love women in their forties, and they end up having a wonderful relationship with the woman’s children. I am living proof!
I want to forget that I ever read this mean-spirited, bitter email from a man who clearly has divorce anger and despite his claim of marrying a younger, prettier professional who he has fun with is definitely NOT OVER HIS DIVORCE.
So guys, what do YOU think? I want opinions!
Doug, Chicago
Want a guy’s opinion? Even if you are right about this guy (the speculation, the judgments and the conclusion of bitter mean-spiritedness), you have devoted precious time and life energy to someone attitudes are only a reflection of his own struggle on the path. If I had to give a different spin to his comment, I’d offer that it could easily be a tone-deaf attempt at self-deprecation and compassion in the vain of “yes, you are right, it can be a cruel unaccountable man’s world … look at me.” Are there bitter and mean-spirited people out there? Sure, always (there is a lot of pain, injury and damage in the world). But there are also a lot of us guys like Graham and Mikey (great comments to the original article) that are overjoyed at the prospect of meeting great women in their 40s, a category for which we have deep respect and miles of appreciation.
Jackie Pilossoph
Doug, you are a gem!
FGK
Great blog Jackie, I love it.
Geralyn
I love the blog.