Man Says Lack of Sex In Marriage is "Really Getting Tough"

Here is a question I received from a guy who says lack of sex in marriage is becoming an issue:

Jackie, How important do you believe sex is in a marriage? I love my wife but this one to two times a month is really getting tough.

How important do I believe sex is in a marriage? Like anything else in a marriage, sex is only as important as it is to one or both of the people in the marriage. Sounds like it is important to you, therefore, my answer to you is, sex is very important in your marriage.

Not knowing anything about you, your wife or your situation, I can tell you this. Sex is not important to your wife right now, and there are many potential reasons. I’m not saying I approve or disapprove of any of these, or that I can even remotely draw a conclusion, but here are a few possibilities:

She is very into the kids and her entire focus is on them.
She is having an affair.
She doesn’t feel good about herself either physically or professionally. In other words, she has low self-esteem causing her a lack of sexual desire.
She has depression.
She has a substance abuse problem.
She is bored.
She has become complacent.
She doesn’t love you anymore.
She is really into her job and very focused professionally.
She is angry at you about something. It is deep rooted and there is lots of resentment.

All of these are horrible scenarios, so I don’t mean to depress you, but I’m trying to help you realize that there might be a lot more going on with her than you think. I can only speak for myself and for women I talk to, but sex is a strange thing for women. Unlike for men, the desire for sex is dependent on countless emotional issues and outside factors that have nothing to do with physical desire. Or rather the factors either foster sex or they act as a deterrent.

My advice would be TALK to her. Take her out for a really nice dinner and speak to her in the tone that best friends use. Say, “I love you so much. I want to be with you more in a physical way. Tell me why that isn’t happening. Be completely honest with me.”

Also, explain to her in a really nice way what your needs are. Remember: best friends. I truly believe having a close friendship is the difference between a really good marriage and a marriage that suffers.

I would also recommend therapy for lack of sex in marraige. I have heard of couples benefitting from it on this topic.

Lastly, I’d highly suggest doing things to make her want to have sex with you more often. Remember that no matter how long a couple is together, a woman always wants to feel like she is being courted, appreciated, loved and cherished. Things like backrubs, flowers, a nice card, or even just looking right in her eyes and saying, “you are gorgeous” will make her happy and sustain the love she has for you. AND, she will start to reciprocate. You heard it here first.

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Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

Bobbi

A very common reason for lack of libido that is missing from your list is hormones that are out of wack. This can happen for various reasons but is an extraordinarily common reason and is entirely treatable with bio identical hormone therapy.

May 6th, 2015 Reply

Dave

I have been experiencing this exact thing for almost all of the 25 years we have been married. I think that subconsciously, I have spent the entire time trying to “earn” the right to be intimate with my wife. I do a lot around the house. I make the kids breakfast and pack their lunch daily. I run the kids anywhere they need to go (though I enjoy spending time with my daughters even if it is just a ride from school.) I take the dog to the vet and the groomer. If we need something from the store, I am right out the door to get it. I manage the finances, I make 80% of the household income. I am attentive, compliment her regularly, and it is because I mean it. In short, i try to make sure I am doing what a good husband is supposed to do, yet none of it seems to matter. I rarely ever ask to have sex, and when I do, it seems like it is a chore to her to say yes. I have tried to talk about it, but she gets very angry and says she is tired of my “overbearing sex drive.” I mean, asking once every other week is overbearing? I am at a loss of what to do next. I love my wife dearly. It’s just that i have gotten to the point in my life that I wonder if maybe i need to make this change.

May 7th, 2015 Reply

Jackie Pilossoph

You sound like a great husband. I am going to write a blog post responding to this comment. I have a lot to say about it!
May 9th, 2015 Reply