A male reader posted this comment on Divorced Guy Grinning. I find what he had to say very typical in what happens to divorced men:
Wait until you’re divorced and you meet someone who makes you feel desired. OMG. You realize just how terrible it’s been. Mine, we had it once a week, then two, then once a month, finally it got to where I couldn’t even remember. The rejection was expected and wasn’t worth it anymore. My new lady friend loves having sex and I’m having a hard time keeping up with her! Wish I had met her a long time ago.
Here is a typical scenario. A couple has been unhappy for a long time. One or both might have tried to save the relationship by suggesting counseling, and maybe the couple goes and just doesn’t find it effective. So, they sort of just co-exist for awhile (sometimes years) not really knowing how to get out of the marriage, or too afraid to get out. One person might cheat. There is very little communication, a walking-on-eggshells type of environment, no affection, and of course, no sex.
Maybe one of the people tries to bring romance and sex back into the relationship, but is always turned away, either because his or her spouse is having an affair, or there is just too much resentment present, which has turned into putting up a wall and not caring. The person who tries bring back the sex and romance is left with low self-esteem, sadness and hopelessness caused by the rejection.
Then comes the divorce. Now the person who was rejected is feeling unattractive, unworthy of love.
It is not until someone shows interest in the person that it even dawns on him or her that they aren’t dead, and that they still have a chance for romance and sex, and maybe even love.
I cannot even count the number of divorced men and women I have talked to who have experienced this, myself included.
When I was first getting divorced, (it had been several months since my ex had moved out) I was at a party with a girlfriend, and her husband’s coworker came up to me and started talking to me.
We talked all night—at least a couple of hours, and I mean it when I say that it never even occurred to me that he was hitting on me. My self-esteem was so far removed that him wanting to date me never even crossed my mind. He kissed me in my car that night and I swear, I was in disbelief. We ended up dating for a few months and are still good friends.
The point of my story is that this sweet guy (the guy who made the comment at the top of this blog post) was so used to being turned down, that he couldn’t fathom a woman finding him attractive.
That is an unexpected gift of divorce. People who have been treated and neglected so badly are shocked but delighted that someone desires them. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t matter. It brings you back to life.
The unexpected gifts seem very sad to me, but at the same time they are inspiring because it shows that when you get divorced, you don’t die. You live! In fact, sometimes you end up so much happier than you ever could have imagined, even though you never wanted your divorce.
I remember a divorced guy saying to me, “When I was married, I used to say to my wife, ‘Just treat me as nice as you treat the Starbucks barista.’ I would have settled even for that.” I think he is engaged now.
Feeling desired and getting attention from the opposite sex after feeling neglected and unloved is perhaps one of the silver linings of divorce. Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for, and no one should have to put up with being neglected and feeling unloved. I think it is more sad to stay in a marriage feeling that way then getting divorced.
Like this article? Check out my post: “Newly separated man’s feelings all over the board.”
Ed
Just discovered and love your blog. Got divorced 3 years ago after a 20 year marriage, the last 10 of which were pretty much sexless and then launched into a wild relationship that has recently hit the shoals due to things addressed in your other columns. You are better than most counselors out there. Keep it up. You are helping a lot of people. Trust me, me n relationships get rejected far more often than women. It crushes the soul.
Jackie Pilossoph
Being rejected isn’t easy but don’t ever let it crush your soul! Everyone gets rejected and most times it has to do with THEM, not you, or the fact that it wasn’t the right time or they weren’t in the right frame of mind. It’s very hard not to take things personally, but the only person who has to like you is you. The rest takes care of itself.