What do you think? Should this divorced dad go on dating websites?
Hi Jackie, You have had some good advice in the past and now I am at another point
looking for some help. About a month ago I broke off my relationship with
my girlfriend because I realized it was too much too fast and when I
started to pull away it wasn’t working out well. So now I am doing what I
should have done in the first place and focus on my daughter’s needs as
well as my own needs.
So here is where it gets tricky. Rationally I know I should just not
date anyone (meet new people make new friends sure). For the last month I
have been trying to focus on my daughter and her needs. As well as figure
out what I want. I already have a plan forward (which I swear gets changed
every few weeks due to some bump in the road). I want to get my finances
together, pay off my credit card and student loan then find a place for my
daughter and myself.
I know I shouldn’t be actively looking to date
someone but at the same time I want to because I want that interaction with
someone. I just want to get out and talk to someone and do something.
Since the divorce, I really don’t have anyone to go out and do anything
with. Most of my friends are scattered around the country. I keep in
touch electronically but there is no one physically in the area. And those
that are have families of their own so trying to get one of them out is
like pulling teeth. So then what I am left with but the thought of trying
to go onto the dating sites and find someone…. Honestly though, should I
just leave them alone and try and find other ways of getting out and
meeting people? I looked into meetup.com and I want to do more of the
activities on there but the unfortunate part is half the things are on days
when I have my daughter (or worse weekends). What do you think?
First of all, I’m sorry about your breakup, although you sound quite relieved. I bet that’s a lot of pressure lifted off!
To answer your question, “What do I think?” I am going to have to give you some tough love.
You are sort of all over the place. Why do I feel this way?
“For the last month I have been trying to focus on my daughter and her needs. As well as figure out what I want. I already have a plan forward (which I swear gets changed
every few weeks due to some bump in the road).”
You say you are trying to figure out what you want, but that you have a plan. So, that would mean you already figured out what you want. You then say the plan changes every few weeks. So, now you are back to saying you don’t have a plan. I’m confused.
I give you credit for trying things, but what you need is financial stability, so that you can get a place of your own. Right? I know it’s hard. Trust me. I get it. But your plan should be to gain full time employment that pays enough for you to live in your own place, as you desire.
Next, I want to address this:
“I know I shouldn’t be actively looking to date someone…”
Why not? Are you punishing yourself because you don’t have your own place and your credit card isn’t paid off? Does that mean you aren’t allowed to date? Not at all. You are human, and I can see that you love your daughter, but you have your own needs, too. You deserve to enjoy the company of women, if that’s what you want.
I find that a lot of single parents carry around this guilt, as if dating means they are neglecting their children. It’s so wrong! I know I did that at one point.
So, in my opinion, your game plan should be this. Get your professional life together. That should be your number one priority—except for your daughter, of course.
If you want to go on dating sites and have some dates with women, that isn’t a crime. Do it. If the meetup groups happen to work out for when you don’t have your daughter, great. If not, so what? It will work out one of these times.
Balancing everything really is very difficult. Sometimes I can’t believe what my life has become. For example, last night, my kids and I got home at 7:30. I then had to make dinner, we ate, did the dishes, they showered and before I knew it, it was 9:30. I then had to stay up and work until 11:30 and still didn’t get all the work done. Up at 5:30, I noticed two loads of laundry that needed to be folded, a dishwasher needing to be emptied, the house looking like a tornado hit it, and still more work deadlines needing to be met. I’m not complaining, but this is reality, and the life of a single parent. And honestly, going 100 miles an hour is just kind of how I roll.
Just remember to prioritize. Kids first, job next and whatever’s left over is for social life. But even if that’s a small piece of the pie, I find if the quality is good—a great date or good friends, good time, fun, etc. it’s enough.
Remember, being divorced doesn’t mean punishing yourself or depriving yourself of giving and receiving romantic love. In my opinion, despite the mistakes we might have made in the past, if we are good people, we deserve happiness.
Good luck with everything. As always, keep me updated!
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