I want to offer some dating advice for men that involves an example of the guy you should really try not to be.
I recently fixed up a girlfriend of mine with a guy I know (and like a lot.) They went out and really hit it off, staying out for hours, eating and drinking and laughing and having really good conversation (according to my girlfriend.) I’m also pretty sure there was some kissing involved. So, it’s all good, right?
In the days that followed, the guy continually called and texted and friended her on every social media site possible. Borderline stalkerish? Maybe, but as an older women, it can be refreshing for a guy to be that excited about us.
But here’s where things turn uncool. After a week or so, (and I believe one more date), the guy completed went dark. In other words, he stopped all communication.
I first want to defend the guy by saying that maybe he changed his mind about my friend. Maybe his romantic attraction to her wasn’t the same the second time they met. People have every right to change their minds. Secondly, he was freshly out of another relationship, so he probably isn’t looking for a long-term, serious commitment.
But all that said, here’s where I have issues. His stopping cold turkey shows that he didn’t think of my friend’s feelings. He didn’t think that maybe his coming on strong got her hopes up, excited her, made her feel great, and then he took it all away.
I don’t think my friend is brokenhearted, but there is a lesson here, because I think many men do to women what this guy did. They come on really strong at first, change their mind, and then don’t take the time to think they might have hurt the woman.
Here is a better way this guy could have handled his change of feelings. He could have called her and COMMUNICATED how he felt.
“So and so, I had such a great time with you and I really like you a lot. But I just got out of a relationship and if it’s ok with you, I’d like to be friends right now and nothing more. I hope you know that you are attractive and smart and fun and this is about me and where I am at right now in my life.”
No woman who heard these words would be upset. She would have respect for the guy, and she would feel so much better about herself, instead of feeling kind of used, and/or that she did something that turned him off.
I have experienced this scenario in the past and I have to say, it hurts. Do women do this to men? I have to believe they probably do.
Here is my point. If you go out with a woman and you are gaga, try to refrain from coming on too strong unless you know it is going to last. I know it’s hard. Remember my blog, “How to take it slow when you fall hard?” I get it. But, keep the woman in mind. Because if you change your mind and run, you have left her sitting in your puddle of infatuation wondering what the heck just happened.
Dating after divorce is complicated. It’s hard to do, but don’t ever lose sight of how your behavior might affect the women you are dating.
Doug, Chicago
Jackie, you’ve deftly described the dating “misbehavior” of coming on too strong (stalkerish) and disappearing without a trace (“got her hopes up, then took it all away” – hurtful and unfeeling). It is hard to object to your gentle encouragement for a man to be a mensch (who among us couldn’t do better) but still I’d like to play the devil’s advocate. The down side for women from faulting this particular scenario is that well-intentioned but imperfect men (read: most men) might misinterpret it as a lesson that women are fragile and dating is a minefield filled with potential missteps. The fear of offending is real and, believe it or not, a phone call with your suggested words (“… if it’s okay with you, I’d like to be friends right now …”) sets a high bar and may not be true. I think your own defense of the guy was pretty reasonable (and easily understandable to the woman in question). The dating game (particularly in the first one or two dates) is filled with trial and error. It is also loaded with hopes, dreams, expectations and disappointments. Both parties need to go in feeling centered, resilient and at ease. When faced with upset I like to remind myself that “nothing is wrong” “no one is to blame” and “people do their best”. When that “best” falls below our requirements, it is a blessed invitation to smile and move on. Sounds like this woman got a quick and fortunate introduction to this guy. As Maya Angelou so artfully said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.”
Martin
This isn’t strictly a guy thing. I recently went out with a woman who texted me up mercilessly before our date. We flirted like a couple of teens and had each other in stitches. After dinner and a movie…nada. I texted her the next day, got a curt, “I had fun,” and when I tried to pick up with the jokes and fun we’d had before the date, I got zip in return. Hey, I’m not Brad Pit. But I’m not Brad Garrett either. (OK, maybe I am. But he’s funny, right?) I wasn’t really knocked out by the date either so I was very easy to go cold turkey, no harm, no foul. But it’s not just the guys who do that, Jackie. I think it’s pretty evenly spread across the board. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. And the older I get, the less I care either way.
Laura Lipp
I cannot agree with you more. It is not uncommon for someone to be totally involved in a relationship at one point in time and be completely out of it at another. Some people are not strong enough to be committed and do random things with total disregard for someone else’s feelings. While I agree that one can have a change of mind, it is essential to make the other person understand that you are feeling conflicted.