Dating Advice For Conflicted Divorced Guy

To quote a dear friend of mine who recently told me about a divorced guy she was dating, “That man is a hot mess!” The reason I am quoting her is, these are the words that came to mind when I read the email below, sent to me by a reader—a divorced dad seeking dating advice. Now, before everyone calls me a bitch, I’d like to add that I am calling him a hot mess out of love and concern, and that this reader seems like a good man, just very very confused. He wants both to love this woman, yet he doesn’t want to be serious and committal. To say he is conflicted about what he wants is a major understatement. Here is his email, followed by my comments.

I have been officially divorced for just about 3.5 months now and I personally realize I am nowhere close to being able to dive into any serious dating situations. I’ve been on a couple dates and have been texting a couple different women.

The big problem now is that there’s one woman in particular who I have gotten very emotionally attached to. She’s has been there for me and been very supportive through that process. When we first met I felt like we could talk for days. It felt like we just clicked & had this connection I haven’t felt in forever.

A couple days after the initial meeting, I had accidently sent her a text meant from someone else, which was very generic about the length of my marriage.

She said not to worry about it, “We’re not boyfriend & girlfriend.” However, I felt horrible. Since that ordeal, we have met up for a couple dinners, all which end with big long hugs and a couple simple kisses on the lips.

Now lately it seems we haven’t really had those long conversations. We still have been texting, but it seems she’s backing off even more and we’re not doing much texting. I have been backing off a bit too since I’m not getting much in return. But when I text her she’s either not responding, and I have to initiate the conversations.  Also, In the last couple weeks of texting, any flirting I’ve tried doing also seems to end the conversation, with no further follow up texts.

I’m unsure if I’ve fallen into the friend zone, or she’s not interested. One more thing to add is that some time back we had a short conversation where we both talked that I’m nowhere close to diving into dating and she’s worried I won’t be able to give her 100% or she’d end up getting hurt because I’m not ready.

Here are his conflicting statements:

1. Not interested in commitment: I realize I am nowhere close to being able to dive into any serious dating situations.

2. Might be falling in love: The big problem now is that there’s one woman in particular who I have gotten very emotionally attached to. It felt like we just clicked & had this connection I haven’t felt in forever.

3. Not interested in commitment: A couple days after the initial meeting, I had accidently sent her a text meant from someone else, which was very generic about the length of my marriage. (the reason I say this is because he isn’t being 100% forthright about what exactly was in the text. I am guessing the woman he is dating was hurt because there was something in it alluding to his not being over his marriage or not wanting commitment.)

4. Might be falling in love: It seems she’s backing off even more and we’re not doing much texting. when I text her she’s either not responding, and I have to initiate the conversations.  Also, In the last couple weeks of texting, any flirting I’ve tried doing also seems to end the conversation.

5. Not interested in commitment: Some time back we had a short conversation where we both talked that I’m nowhere close to diving into dating and she’s worried I won’t be able to give her 100% or she’d end up getting hurt because I’m not ready.

I am going to put myself into this woman’s place and say that if I was her, I would run away from this guy as fast as possible, no matter how much I liked him. Why? Because every signal he is sending is saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, even though we all know he likes her!

He is wondering if she’s put him in the friend zone or if she just isn’t interested. Not the case and not the case. She’s backing off because who wouldn’t back off and protect themselves based on points #1,3 and 5??

The bottom line is, even if you’re unsure if you are ready to be involved with someone, life doesn’t really work that way. It doesn’t always wait for you to catch up and have good timing. Special, beautiful people who make your heart stop and offer a connection like you never even knew existed in love come into your life not just when you are “ready.”

So, I guess what I’m saying is don’t blow it with her!! She digs you!! No one is saying you have to get married any time soon (or ever again for that matter.) But don’t let this girl you really click with get away because of fear. Just take it slow. Enjoy her. You have been through such pain in your divorce, why not just enjoy someone and have fun and let that person love you? And, let yourself love her.

Showing vulnerability in a romantic relationship—especially after divorce is probably one of the most difficult things people experience. No one wants to get hurt again. It’s too painful to even think about. I get it. But showing vulnerability—telling this girl how you feel, not playing games, and saying “OK, let’s spend some time together and see where it goes” can prove to be beyond rewarding when it comes to fulfillment and happiness in a romantic relationship. Don’t you feel like you deserve the real deal?? You can’t have it unless you take the risk of vulnerability.

And, what happens if you show vulnerability and she dumps you? (which I don’t think will happen but want to put it out there as a possibility.) What if that happens? So what? You’ve lost nothing. You will be sad and feel insecure temporarily but you will pick yourself up and try again. Listen, you’ve been through a divorce. You can handle this.

To be fair to yourself and to her, stop flip-flopping. You’re in or you’re out. What’s in going to be?

xoxo

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.