From a reader: Jackie, I can’t get over my ex-wife and wondering how I ever will.
My advice:
A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through a divorce and she said to me, “It’s been two years and I’m still not over it. I WANT to be over it—over him, but I just don’t know how to do it.”
I felt sorry for her because I get it. No one can help a person get over their ex-husband/ex-wife. The person has to do it on their own, and on their own timetable.
Sure, there are things you can do to TRY to get over your ex–like see a therapist, engage in a new hobby, find faith, exercise, start volunteering, focus on career, etc. etc. and they might help, but the letting go part is all up to you. YOU are the one deciding when you can accept it and move on. No one else can do that for you.
As far as WHY you can’t get over your ex-wife, there are several possible reasons. But instead of listing them, I want to turn this around and offer advice in the form of things that will surely prevent you from getting over your ex-wife. Here are…
6 things to do that will prevent you from ever getting over your ex-wife:
1. Play the victim.
The victim mentality is poisonous. What victims do is fantasize that their ex’s new life is perfect while theirs is lonely and sad. They say things like “My wife dumped me” and “I can’t believe this happened to me.” They talk as if something horrible has been done to them. While I think everyone going through a divorce deserves an amount of time to feel sorry for themselves, that time needs to come to an end at some point. The focus needs to become so much larger than “this is what was done to me.” It might hurt like hell right now, but things will get better, especially if act on opportunities that will make your life better and happier.
2. Stay angry.
While it’s normal (and healthy actually) to be angry for a period of time, holding onto anger is toxic. It will prevent you from ever moving on in a real way, or with any productivity. Again, it’s OK and normal to feel angry for a little while, but know when enough is enough. Anger is a complete waste of energy. It’s bad for you and very bad for your kids. Instead of being angry, channel that energy into perseverance that will lead to finding your new life; one that will make you truly happy.
3. Rewrite history.
It is human nature to miss someone so much that you forget about everything bad that happened in the marriage and drum up all the good stuff. Our minds want to protect our feelings, so we block out the bad. What you end up with is, “I will never understand why he/she did this to us and our family. We had the perfect life. We were so happy.” When you do begin to let go, you start thinking about the clues that you missed, what you didn’t want to see, what he/she did that bugged you and drove you nuts. That’s when healing can really begin.
4. Look at your ex’s social media pages frequently.
Half the people I know who are divorced block each other from their Facebook pages and other social media outlets. But, if you are one of the few who have access to your ex’s social media pages, it isn’t healthy to keep track of what he/she is doing, their photos, etc. It will just hurt you if you see something that shows he/she is moving on.
5. Blame yourself.
“If only I’d been a better husband…” “I should have taken that trip to Europe with her when she asked me last year…” “I never appreciated her…” These are really bad things to say to yourself or to your friends. No one goes into a marriage wanting to make mistakes, but the fact is that we all make them, and when people get divorced, they come out of the marriage with regrets. Actually, even people who are still happily married have regrets. Remember that you were the best husband/wife you thought you could be at the time. No need to look back and talk “should have.”
6. Stay home/refuse to date or even go out socially.
The best way to get over an ex-wife/husband is to socialize, meet new people, take your mind off of him/her. There are 6 billion people on this earth. Your ex is ONE person. I’m not saying you have to date if you aren’t ready, but just making new friends keeps our minds fresh, our spirits alive and our lives exciting and fun.
The beauty about getting over your ex-wife/husband is that it happens when you least expect it (in my opinion.) All of a sudden, you realize that you didn’t cry today. And then two weeks later, you realize you haven’t cried in a week, and then in a month and then 6 months. You find yourself enjoying life and thinking less and less about him or her. It’s a little sad, in a way, and you almost miss that pain, just because you lived with it for such a long, long time. But healing can feel empowering and liberating. There’s nothing better than that moment you look in the mirror and think, “Wow, look where I was a year ago, and look at me now.”
Like this article? Check out, “11 Pieces of Advice for Men Over 50”
Luis
While I am currently experiencing number three on your list of what not to do, “Rewrite history”, by imagining that everything was always cheery, I find that my wife is experiencing number three in reverse. She keeps telling me how I put her through ten torturous years of marriage, and how me finally moving out was the best day of her life, and how she is so much happier now. She can’t seem to remember a single positive thing about our marriage.
I guess it depends on who gets dumped and who did the dumping. I, who got dumped, and keep hoping that she’ll take me back, remember many happy moments. She, who got rid of me, needs to justify it by painting me as a no good husband who only made her miserable.
She keeps telling the kids, “We are all going to be happier now”, but I keep thinking that only she is. Three people have to become unhappy for her to gain her happiness.
Alex
Luis I know your comment is months old, but it sounds nearly identical to my situation.
Are you doing any better now?
Marc
I completed understand what you’re saying. I’m in exactly the same situation as you! It’s heart breaking because I know her decisions is wrong but right for her.
Ph
My “ex” wife plays me monthly knowing i want her back.she acts they way she acted when we first met.pulls me in then makes up with her boyfriend and throws me away. Blocks my calls. Idk wat to do…
Jackie Pilossoph
They say the first/biggest step in not repeating bad behavior is recognizing it. That you have done. So why do you keep going back? You probably don’t like yourself when you do that. You would have such self-respect and feel great if you just ignore her advances. Be very kind and friendly, but distant-like an acquaintence/business associate. Do you really deserve having someone play games with your heart like that? I don’t think so!!
Gary
“There are 6 billion people on this planet” – I’ve heard that before – however, half are male, millions are too old or too young, millions are not attractive, and I am in the middle of a West Texas town with very few women. Yes, with so many people on the planet there are certainly women who I would be thrilled to be with, but they are not available to me geographically. My ex is still in town, and I get to see her with her boyfriend….
bob
I’m in the same boat Luis, nothing I did was right nothing she did was wrong. same number of people but I guess as long as she is happy.
Doug
I just got divorced 3 months ago…I did alot..but me and my ex ..hang out more..dinner dates…movies..Disney World. ..I love her so much…I pray alot..prayer does help…Guys if you want these women back….Change. ..for yourselves. ..if nothing else it will prepare you for a better situation. …God knows it’s a daily struggle. ..my ex wife is up and down…..
RHUEL
WOW DOUG!! deep down i want this to work out and the truth is she and i are severly not right for each other.
reading that you and your ex hang out more. i felt hopeful. like that is what i want for me and my ex also. i also know i would be just wasting time. but i still want that right now.
CONFUSED/LOST/DESPERATE/PLAIN STUPID ME.
bob
I do pray ,Doug I want my family back together.I wish mine was like yours and would have given us a chance. Instead ,she told me she wanted a divorce and moved out a week later,found out she was with a guy from work,she has now been with 5 guys so far now living with 1 ,each a clone of each other,charged our son 12 with sodomy on our 4 year old ,which dcf dropped .Has not seen our son In 6 months but texts him every now and then.We were married for 16 years and have known her for 38 years .She no longer speaks to anyone from her past it’s like she has a new life at 42 ,I think she has gone insane
Rat
Wow great for y’all for me it’s not that easy I’m going through divorce now my ex wife hates me and seems I cry every day
RoyrRrRrRRoyRTORRoy Davis
My world crunbled about 6 months ago when my (now ex) wife told me she wanted a divorce. I suspected that she had (or still has) an emotional affair. Like the guys in this post I was always faithful, supportive, dont do drink or drugs, love our teenage son, took care of her whenever she was ill and suppported her academic ambitions, loving her through good times and bad. Then to be informed that “at least I am a good father! ” After 22 years together, those words cut me like knife. I feel no good anymore, broken and desperately lonely. I am somewhat older than she and had just retired, only to have my life turned upside down and inside out. And for what? A feeling? Unfilled? No purpose to life? Please explain somebody how this can happen to someone who would have given his life to her. And what of him, this person in the shadows? How does he fit in to all this? Where is the justice in it all? Please tell me.
Pete
My wife exploded my world 5 years ago, and I loved her dearly.
Time.
Time will help.
Prayer
Understanding she wasn’t committed and accepting it.
Dan
My divorce was finalized at the end of January, though we split of up 3 years ago. She remarried recently and I can’t seem to move on. I don’t know what it is. I’m not sure i ever got over her. Or maybe my sadness is because I feel like I let my daughter down. Either way, I can shake this feeling of blame, even though we’re approaching the 4th year of being split up, and with her being remarried, etc.
Chris
My wife left me 6 months ago apparently I made her so miserable she just kicked me out with nothing to my name.She has left me in mass amounts of debt but I still love her so much,I gave her 4 years of my life and she just binned me and now it’s put a gap between me and my daughter as I work allot’I supported her and her son my stepson on my own wage for 3 out of the 4 years we was together she was short for nothing I had everything and now I’m so lonely it’s caused me mental illness the lot absolutely heartbroken how some women can just switch off
Chris
That’s just it. Some people have the ability to keep from getting as deeply emotionally attached as others. In the beginning of a relationship they seem as googly eyed as anyone else, but they are secretly guarded. I have had to learn the hard way (several times) that you “never go full retard”. My ex and I were together for 20 years. married for 15 , and have two children. I was no saint, but I was always faithful and I never would have left her for the reasons she left me, and still don’t quite believe her. But, as you so aptly stated, some people just have the ability to flip that switch and be done. That “switch” is merely the ability to not go full retard. We are all better off by ourselves. There is a strength in independence that I never knew before. I was raised to believe that I wasn’t complete without the love of a woman. I have had the love of a woman more than once, and while it certainly has it’s moments, the price is much too steep. I will never marry again.
Andrew
My wife left me 3 weeks ago, I found out she has been having an affair for around a year, she’s pregnant to him too.
What the hell do I do, she’s moved back into our home saying that she’s stopping until she gets somewhere, but she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want any communication between us.
Sarah
My hubby left me 2 months ago and man it has been tough, being in a 5 and half years marriage. We had arguements who doesn’t? ! Thiught arguements were heathy. I worked my butt off and provided for me and hubby. He didn’t appreciate it, we had arguement and I accidentally threw a hair spray can, no lies it hit his head slightly and bounced off his head and hit our wall clock. It was a bad move which I regret from this day but he was okay after being seen by the emergency room. I went to my mother’s home that night and found my hubby left with all his stuff. I was devesrated. He just a divorce piece of paper signed in Islamic marriage. Written divorce x3 I was shocked. I didn’t know our relationship was that of bad 😟😟. So it’s been 2 months no contact, only known he’s staying with his mate and chances of reconciliation is out of the window. I do love him and want him back !
Stephen Krikszens
I feel for each and everyone who is devastated by divorce. My second wife divorced me in 1987 and has been remarried for twenty something years while I am still single. I was unfaithful to her and maybe not a good decision to inform her that I was unfaithful to her. Earlier in the marriage she told me she was unfaithful and begged for forgiveness, which I did. She was not as considerate and said she could not forgive. I believe that was just the eexcuse to get out of the marriage. Our marriage was not a good marriage and she definitely could have been a better wife but also believe she never loved me in the first place. Even though I miss her I have to accept reality and treat this situation as such. I suggested marriage counseling but she did not want to do it but just wanted out. Life is short and before I know it this will disappear from my memory by one means or another. Enjoy life while it is there to enjoy and while you are able to enjoy it. Please do not cheat yourselves out of this because of divorce.
Anthony
Hi,even though I have heard all this from my therapist I still can not get past it.My wife and I were married for 30 years together 33 years.At 57 now I a have been living alone last 31/2 years and I am still in as much pain as I was that very first day I had to move out.I was the main cause for the divorce I didn’t cheat and wasn’t porn but worse.I can’t get past it because I still love her as much as I always did .One of my main problems was showing the affection she needed and emotions. We r only seperated still but she has moved on and that really hurts I feel like I was kicked to the curb and her new boyfriend even though she dated him before me is a life long friend of mine and THAT is tearing me apart they don’t think anything is wrong with that probably not but of course in my eyes it is. I just can’t get past the anger and the hurt I feel I’m sorry after 33 years with same woman I feel I deserved more time to heal before she wanted me to leave.She is all I know I been with her since I’m 25 over half my life it feels like half of my body was cut off I am so lost I don’t even know a direction to go in.I have even tried to start dating this month I had coffee with some one I met and just have coffee sitting at a table with a strange woman it freaked me out.I was sweating nervous as hell she wanted to follow up go to dinner but couldn’t all I did was compare her to my ex and just talking I felt like I was cheating. I know what u r gonna say I have a HUGE problem. I could go on and on but main problem for me I can not just fall out of love with her like she has done with me that alone is killing me and just thinking about how it is almost all my fault that I pushed her into another mans arms after 33 years I woke up one day and found myself alone.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Plus I moved from my home in north jersey to Fort Myers Florida 4 months ago so that is a little hard also
Thanks
Jackie Pilossoph
First of all, you do not have a huge problem. I’m so sorry you are sad. I can feel your pain. But after 3 and a half years, it is time for you to start living again. Don’t you think? Her leaving seems to have paralyzed you in moving on, and this might not be what you want to hear, but it’s time. Try not to focus on her and your friend (I know that is devastating and now you feel you have lost him too.) This isn’t easy and everyone’s timetable for healing is different. But, I hate to see you spending this time in your life (still) mourning the loss. At what point do you begin to move on and accept that part of your life coming to an end? There are countless men and women in your position every day. You are not alone. But you are getting older and the reality is, don’t you feel you deserve happiness? How long are you going to blame yourself for everything? How long are you going to remember that life was perfect and not let yourself see that it really wasn’t? I feel for you. I really do. But it’s time to start living again. What makes you happy? (other than her.) Find it. I wish you all the best.
Help please
My spouse and I are planning our own divorce and we want it out of the court because of financial reasons. Is there another possibility for divorce to be done online? Thistoo seems ok ( http://www.thistoo.co for reference), but I’m doubting on whether or not it’ll be trustworthy, as they are handling a lot of confidential information. Does anyone have experience with online divorce? Any suggestions would be appreciated thank you.
Usagima
Hi, help please. I just got separated using collaborative law. Essentially two lawyers negotiated it out and we signed the agreement. You don’t have to go to court unless you can’t agree between yourselves. I used lawyers as I did’t want to re negotiate in the future. Nothing is cast iron but the seperation is a legal starting point should it all go wrong.
Usagime
So the advice in this article works, I’m nearly 2 years down the line and the sun is starting to come out in my life again. I was depressed, crying, wanting reconciliation etc. Took me a while to understand a choice had been made (hers) and my choice now was to let this define me or not. Biggest thing I did was to promise myself that if I was invited out to some event I would go even if I didn’t like the idea. I went to parties etc and met different people etc…It didn’t transform my life but gave me respite from the hurt etc.. I’m now on ok terms with my ex but I have set boundaries. I’ll help with the logistics of caring for the kids etc.. But I’m not doing favours like a couple would, fix her car etc… She told me she was surprised that I didn’t seem to hate her anymore and even more surprised when my response was that I was done with the anger and I gave up hating her as a favour to myself.
jimJim
I just don’t know anymore. Everything I had worked to build for over twenty years, retirements, my house, everything, she took it all. Three years later, I am struggling and she is doing great. Everyone tells me to move on. I can’t find anyone or any reason that I would do that for.
Jackie Pilossoph
First of all, you don’t know she is doing great. You are assuming that. Everyone telling you to move on is right. You don’t need “anyone” to move on. What you need is a reason and you know what that is? A bright future if you want it. You can wallow in self-pity and be depressed about the past and about what she took, or you can take what you have–your health, most importantly and all your wonderful qualities and start living. I encourage you to do that. I know it seems really hard and I don’t blame you for being pissed about what happened. But the point is, it happened, so now what? You have two choices. Play the victim forever and be unhappy, or go out and find a happy life. People do it all the time. I promise if you try, you will be happier. I will pray for you and wish you the best.
Jeromy
I guess this is to everyone, Thank you Jackie, This helped me see I’m not alone, I know, we all know Divorce happens. WE all think about it in the capitalized “D” sense and I think I’ve been working to see it as a non-capitalized “D”event in my life. I knew I needed to back away from the table when I realized that after 21 years we both had to very different memories of that time. One of us was focused on the fear of never enough, the other on having what we needed. We were both working much of those years, but always supported the children as best we could. My hang up is on the bigger picture. If she was ultimately unhappy, Then that’s not what I wanted either, and if I’m not making her happy, I need to walk away so she can be happy. I do Love her, She provided two Beautifully talented children who are going to be great public citizens. They wanted nothing as did I during this time. I guess We just fell short on staying connected. I think my biggest realization was when it came time for me to really disconnect, how difficult it was going to be to “let go” of everything. She split everything 50/50, I agreed. She wanted to see the budget, I showed her (I never restricted her from anything), She set the time of the divorce to finalize on our 21st anniversary, I agreed….. My battle is letting all of these attachments go. It’s a battle everyday. I do still Love her in the capitalized sense. I’m trying…. Yesterday I saw a glimmer… I was out shopping with my 17 year old son who is handleing this very well. We were being helped by a pretty lady about my age and I allowed my self to actually look at her. In the eyes, I saw her beauty which I restricted my self from seeing in people for 21 years. I wasn’t brave enough to flirt, But it was nice to see the acknowledgement and receive a smile in return. I know that’s probably something I need more of. Life happens everyday, we choose to stay attached to the memories, Fearful of our futures. My meditations (prayers) are for recognition’s of the world around me for today. I’m only a month out form the hearing. I’ve been dealing with this since last November. I know I still have some time to work out the kinks, but there is hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I came here because I was feeling like I was stranded on the island of Divorce, now I feel better, knowing it is just a divorce, something that happens when two adults are different and going on two directions for a better life experience. I’m OK with that. I really do hope for everyone above that you find or continue your happiness.
Mark
It has only been 2 weeks since she has left me. Been together for 6 years and married for 1 year. She said she feels like something is missing and she was too young to get married. She is 26 now. Been with her since she was 20. Our whole relationship was great until we got engaged. I should of picked up on the signs but I was fooled by love. I just found out she is already seeing another guy almost immediately after moving out. She works at a bar and met him. They had a kiss before she left. She claims that’s when she knew it wasn’t right between us. Why she would do that. She says she did not leave because of a guy and that guy is nothing to her. The feelings have been going on for so long that something is missing in her life. Finally today I had to cut off all contact with her. I needed to for me to heal. I had her come get the rest of her stuff. Deleted her off all social media and disconnected the phone I’ve been paying for. I gave her everything and she says I am too good for her and she treats me like crap. I know this is true but I always accepted it. I said bye to her and she held onto me for so long. She tried kissing and I turned away and told her to take care of herself. She doesn’t want to let go even though she made this decision not me. But I have to do this for me because everytime I see her the pain starts all over again and I just can’t take it. I took the hardest step and deleted her out of my life. Our condo just brings back so many memories and makes me sad. I try and go out with friends to keep my mind occupied as much as I can. If anyone has anymore advice it would really help. I want myself back. Feel like a mess but I am starting to accept it.
Big Sha
I have a very difficult situation. I have been loving my ex wife for 20 years and I’m only 41. Our divorce was final in 2013 and we separatedon’t in 2011. We tried to get things back going even after the divorce this past July she told me she had feeling for someone else who just so happens to be an old lover from one of our times of being not together. My heart hurts and I still want us to be together but she has told me she is in love now.
Scott
We were married for 26 years. I have fallen into many of the traps mentioned; and I try to learn from that. It’s going to take a long time to heal and there will always be a scar. Everyone got hurt. It’s been 30 months since she began the process of pulling away and 16 months since she left. Damn it still hurts; but it does not take my breath away with grief like it once did.
Kieran
Jackie,
I have all of your points as problems! Help!
Jackie Pilossoph
can you be more specific?
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry. How specifically may I help you? Can you be more specific?
Joe
My wife and I have been together for 11 years this go around.This was actually our third time together.We were each others first love at the age of 13.I am now 38 and desperately lost without her.We have a 6 year old son together so just leaving her in the dust is out of the question.I also have two step daughters (19 and 16)they hate me and blame me for everything.Not my son just the girls.My son is my life!I have him for a week then she has him for a week.It’s hard enough to cope when he is here but a total trainwreck when he is with his Mom.She kicked me out three months ago.I have cried like a baby everyday since.It is so easy for her.I don’t understand how she can give up on us.I have only myself to blame.I could have done so many things different to make her happy.She begged me to change but I was a stubborn ass and assumed she would always keep the promise of our wedding vows.I was wrong.How do I get over her when I have to deal with her because of our son?I love her so much and she has moved on like I meant nothing.Please help I’m paralyzed from moving on and am dying inside moment.
Jason
Thank you.
Stephen
We have a child between us, a daughter who I adore and she her Father. For years until recently she suffered from serious separation anxiety. She is much better now. I am not. I think it would be easier if I did not have to regularly interact with my ex. We share 50/50 physical and legal custody. Any advise?
George
Hi,I was married for 33 years to a beautiful woman,my problem was that I never appreciated her or tell her how beautiful she looks even though I loved and adored her so much.we would never sit on the sofa and cuddle,or hold hands when walking,I so regret now not showing her the affection she craved for,she has now found that in another man.its been a year now since she left me, we sold our family home, and I moved into a small 2 bed flat with my two grown up children, I have to sleep in the living room on a small fold up bed,I’m 57 years old,out of work, and stripped of my security I had for my old age,I feel very suicidle every day,I miss her so much and still in love with her.i have panic attacks every day and suffer from severe depression,so bad that I can’t get out of bed in the mornings,I don’t think I will ever get over her, and never move on. My whole world has completely collapsed around me.Even my friends are now keeping away,as they have had enough of giving their advice and me not listening,I’m driving myself to an early grave,as can see no way out.
Jackie Pilossoph
I pray for you. I’m so sorry for you. But, please seek some help. YOu need someone to lean on, to talk to, to coach you on getting your life back. A therapist would be a good place to start. Also, have faith and seek spiritual guidance. God bless you and I will continue to pray for you to heal.
George
Thanks for your prayers,but I still can’t move on from this nightmare,it’s been 2 years now,and still feeling the same if not worse,I recently found out from my daughter,that my ex is now getting married soon,this is the nail in my coffin.
Anna johnson
Hi George,
I have read your posts just now and Iam wondering how you are doing. I too, am feeling horrifically depressed after my breakup.
Joe
I appreciate all the thoughts and feelings posted here. I feel parts of all of these stories.
I’m 56, have been divorced for almost two years but can’t seem to completely part from my ex.
We divorced due to arguing for 13 years. A lot about her not getting the emotional connection she needed, a lot of just general inability to see things from the same perspective.
While we don’t have children together, I raised her three girls from grade school age to where they are now in their 30’s with grandchildren.
Right now, she wants to get back with me and says it’s because she loves me. I can’t help feel thats its a security issue. she made some bad financial decisions after divorce and now she doesn’t feel secure. (my perspective). I feel a neediness and lots of anxiety from her about her situation.
From my perspective, i miss the family connections so much and some of the good things we have. I know I can maintain contact with the girls and the grand kids but not really in the same way if she is in the picture. But I also know I can’t be with her just because of the family.
So I often think that i should get back together. We go through this cycle of getting together for a couple of weeks. then I feel overwhelmed by her neediness so i ask her to back off. I am at that point now. i know it is not fair to her or to me but i am having a hard time letting go or commiting to a relationship with her.
I often wonder if it will be just the same with any other women.
I have been friends with other women and, frankly, i am happier in their presence but i wonder if that is just the newness of a relationship.
anyway, i still love my ex very much but I am not really “in love” with her. I struggle with just ending it or trying to keep working it out.
Jackie Pilossoph
Thanks so much for reaching out. It sounds like you have lost respect for your ex. I have always beleived that you should go with your gut feeling. Maybe the two of you need more time apart, maybe you need to get out there and date a little bit. Go with what is in your heart. I’m sure it’s a really hard decision. I wish you the best.
Alex
I feel for the OP. I am currently in a similar situation. My 8-year marriage (we had been together for 12 years in all) had been slowly unraveling for more than two years, with some sporadic attempts at counseling. There was no infidelity on either side (I don’t think; though I suspect she had started an “emotional affair” toward the end), and we have a wonderful little boy together, but basically she had lost respect for me and no longer felt a connection with me. She finally said she was done late last year, and did not seek separation; divorce was final this September. I’m still in love with her. I moved very far away for a new job opportunity, and I suspect she has already started moving on with someone else. I did see her and my son for Xmas, and while it was wonderful to be with my son, my heart breaks a little bit every time I see my ex wife. Yeah, yeah, I should move on too and whatever, but what the hell is the point? I married her because she is the only person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life; that part didn’t change when I took off the ring. I realize that I am “not ready to move on yet,” but honestly I don’t see why I ever would. I know we had issues on both sides; it just doesn’t make any sense to me to try to start another relationship. Why would I? I’m not looking to have more kids in the future. What would I gain? Another chance to make a meaningless commitment? To make new dreams and plans to lose?
At least twice a week for the last 10 months I have a dream where either: a.) I find out my ex is seeing someone else and is much happier, or b.) she tells me she wants to get back together. In the first scenario I get to cry in the dream and then continue when I wake up because it’s probably true; in the second scenario I am happy in the dream and I get to cry when I wake up because I know it’s not true. I realize this may not be helpful to the OP, but I ended up here by searching for “what to do when you are still in love with your ex wife,” and even though there is really no good answer, at least I know I’m not the only one.
Mm
Hi guys I just wanted to say I have spoken to many woman who have left thier husbands and none of the relationships worked out and they do regret it. Every single one I have spoken too. Aslong as there was no domestic violence or drugs involved please dont be suprised if they creep out of the wood work in two years pretending to need to talk or thier calls increase or instead of calling about the kids they do for a second then go on too how you are doing. But this will only happen when you dont want them. Unfortunately some woman love the attention ..miss it terribly when its not thier so play games to get it back. I came across this sight whilst looking for an answer on my ex husband cheating. Chin up kids. Leave them to thier own making and watch it all fall. Oh whats that…its the phone and it seems she needs you to do something as her idiot boyfriend can’t do it because reality has checked in and guess what hes no Prince charming…whats that oh she misses the way you cooked etc. Pls guys dont fall for it be flattered but deserve better ..all the best mate
Rambo
Alryt guys just thought I would share my story. Wife dumped me 3yr ago and treated me like shit b cause she knew I wanted her back. I tried everything and was always nice. After a couple of months I got angry with her and she couldn’t believe it. I ignored all her calls,texts and told her I never wanna see her face again. We have kids so my family would pick them up etc. So I joined a dating site and her friend was on the same site. Told my ex and she would not leave me alone. A week later she’s at my house crying begging for another chance. We got back together but she just dumped my last month lol. This time I’m not grovelling and because I managed to pretty much get over her last time I feel ok. I’m sad and still hard but it’s true there are plenty fish in the sea. So MAN up lads and tell her to jump on her bike. You may get a surprise
Jared
I’m having issues getting over my ex wife. We have been divorced for 7 months and my lack of love and how I took my anger out on my family is a big reason we split. We have two kids and I’m still in love with her. All I can think about is starting over and showing her I can treat her better. We do get together with the kids often like dinner, shopping, hanging out at her house but her response to me is she doesn’t want a relationship of anything just be friends. But it’s killing me thinking she might be seeing someone when I’m trying so hard to turn over a new leaf with her….just asking for advice on my situation and is it a lost cause
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m so sorry you are going through this. What is so good about you is that you have self-awareness and you realize your faults. Many men and women would just get angry and blame the other person. Have you considered going to therapy? Also, give your ex time. Is there a chance she would get back with you? Only you know. But at some point, you have to give up and move on if you think she doesn’t. Keep doing what you are doing–being a great dad. Things will fall into place.
lost
i am recently 6 months separated with divorce in the works,,we were married for 111 years together for 12,,she had worked the same job for 10 years and as soon as she got a new job she started having an affair with her boss,,,when i found out and confronted her she just left within a month and got her own place and completely cleaned me out when i told her she could take a few things from the house while i was away,,, and continued her new relationship with her married boss,who apparently left his wife for her ,the same as she left me for him,,it all happened 1 month before our 11 year anniversary and 9 months after i surprised her with a surprise wedding to renew our vows for our 10 year anniversary with our 9 year old daughter present,,she has been doing great and i have been suffering,,,i m partially disabled becuz i am half blind nd have had a heart transplant on top of having heart disease,,,,,and when we got married she said she would always want to take care of me,,now she tells me that she doesn’t want to take care of me anymore ,,i am unable to drive and work but i provided a foundation for our life early on,,,because of some unfortunate events i was awarded $140,000cash at the age of 26 and i used it to buy a home for my wife and daughter and used the rest taking them to every big city across the map cuz i wanted to give them the world,,,they both had everything they could ever want or dream of,,,and my wife assured me that it is only money and that she would take care of us when it ran out,,sure enough,when it ran out,she left,,,,and now i am struggling financially while she continues to live it up,,,,it hurts so much knowing i invested more money than i will ever see again on something temporary,,,i feel like she used me as a starter life becuz she was only 18 when we got married,,,we had minor arguments as all couples do but this came out of nowhere and she shows no remorse or regret and has turned into a completely different person,,,she has basically abanded her daughter for this new guy and is happier than ever bein a part time parent,while i have our daughter the majority of the time ,, all she does is work and go out with her boyfriend and friends while i am isolated at home since i cant drive,,,,for 12 years i was all she had ,,she had no friends and always fought with her family,,me on the other hand only have a few close friends and no family,,,i was a street kid and completely changed my life for the sake of our family and now she is choosing all the things i gave up over me,,,whenever she got this new job working around all young men she completely changed,,she is a cute 29 year old blonde and i knew it would be trouble but she assured me that she would shut down anyone that hit on her,,,jokes on me i guess,,,,,she has done me so wrong by sleeping with her boyfriend on our wedding anniversary,,spending all the holidays with him and just threating to make my life hell if i dont give her what she wants in court,,i put down 40k on the house and she wants to kick me out and sell the house so she can take my money,,,i was living a great life and now i have to survive on a 649$ a month disability check,,,,i dont understand why i still love her and want her back after she was so mean to me,,how do you move forward when you leave behind more than you ever stand to gain?, i have lived a life of loss where i have lost both my parents,,my brother was murdered,,lost all my grandparents,,had 2 of my other children taken away to be raised in other states,,,lost all 3 of my uncles and numerous friends and all the people from her side of the family who have told me they loved me and was family have all turned their backs on me,,,her parents included which was extremely hard cuz it was like losing parents twice,,, ,,,i have been to 18 funerals in 12 years and she assured me i would never lose her becuz i have a fear of losing everyone i love becuz thats how it has been my whole life,,,i am so sad and depressed and have contemplated suicide becuz i cant take the pain anymore,my daughter is the only reason i havnt,,,it is such a terrible feeling to lose so many people you care about,,,and the betrayl from my wife somehow takes the cake,,,,i have literally lost damn near everything i have ever loved,,pets included,,,,,,and i feel like i have nothing left to offer anyone any more as i am truly broken in every way imaginable,,,physically,mentally emotionally,spiritually and financially,,,,please help,,i am only 36 but feel like a 90 year old man becuz all i can see is the best years of my life behind me,,,and i feel like i have been living in darkness for so long that my eyes have adjusted cuz i cant see anything in front of me anymore
T..
I find myself doing these 6 things on a daily basis. It is hard to imagine happiness when such a huge part of your life is not there anymore. Me and my wife are not divorced yet. We have been separated for 2 months, once of those months I still lived in the house, the last I have been out of the house. We have a 4 year old son and we both have one child from a previous marriage. I’m the reason for the separation, I have come to terms with that, but it is hard to watch her move on about her life so easily. Obviously I do not know how she feels, she could be having as hard as a time as me, but it is not showing. She says she still loves me, still things about me, but our marriage is not fixable. I spent the last two months hoping for the best. Doing what I can to show here I am not the man who got us to this point anymore, but the more time i spend away from her, the more I think its a loss cause. Last week I finally told her I give up and not bother her anymore Told her we need to discuss the divorce and how we will move forward from here. She never replied about the divorce, only kept telling me what i did to get us here and how hard it is for her, but she is in a better place now. I know she is trying really hard to move on, but really hoping this is not truly the end. I guess until she actually files for divorce their is a bit of hope
Jackie Pilossoph
I don’t think it’s easy for her to move on with her life. I think she is hurting a lot. But the thing is, this is just the beginning. Sometimes people are so angry that it’s easy at the beginning. When things sink in and she has more time to process what is really happening, she might be more open minded to considering trying again.
Martin
After 20 yrs with my ex we decided to seperate as it wasnt really working, at first being away from the atmosphere & arguments & not sleeping on the sofa was ok, a relief, time to do my own thing, whilst seeing the kids couple of times a week.Then about 5 mths later she rang me to say she’d been having this ’emotional affair’ with a bloke i knew and had met before. She told me because his partner had found out and threatened to call me thinking we were still married.Anyway he then mucked her about and for the last year I have helped, comforted & even been intimate with her.She said she wasnt interested in him anymore and once we drew a line with our divorce,we could maybe see what happens.Lo & behold in last couple of weeks she tells me he has changed his ways & she is going to see him again & that we were never going anywhere despite all she said (cos she was in a bad place apparently). i have all of these things going on plus being convinced she is making a mistake with him.Everybody says give it time,but with less seeing of kids & dogs, her hardly at all, not sleeping & not eating it is very very hard to be positive.
Kevin
Since we split two years ago:
It’s business, I don’t get into any emotional or “feeling” discussions. If it was that good, why did we end up at the court house. It wasn’t. For me the whole thing was like swallowing cod liver oil; it didnt taste good (I imagine) but I’m better off. I can think more clearly. Taking walks, eating well, drinking water, and going to bed at 10 helps too. My dogs are My best friends, and we enjoy the same activities together. If I stay grounded, still, and patient with myself I do just fine. It’s totally an inside job.
Mike
It’s been 6 months since she left me with my stepson I’ve raised since he was 3. My son is the same age they were raised like brothers. She moved a thousand miles away and hasn’t talked to me since 2 weeks after she left. It’s been so hard missing them both I can’t even find the strength to work anymore . I was ghosted after I seen her cell her texting trying to make date plans with a 3rd cousin by marriage ,then 1week after she was gone getting a FB message from her bosses wife who has cancer and going threw chemo , apparently she was also trying to hook up with and he is 20 years older then her. Disgusted the person I love and thought was decent is something so different then I thought. I can’t bring that person back and I can’t move forward no friends, no family besides raising my 3 older tennagers alone and they are preoccupied with there own life’s I feel so alone and depressed I’m afraid everything will fall apart and I will never be as happy as I was when we were family I miss my stepson and the old her. And all the fun we use to have as a family it was a normal happy life until she did this. How do I move on from being happy to miserable,anxiety depression, fear and lonely ? we all miss being family and I feel bad for my kids now I’m broken there lives are worse for ware I have no support system and a new social anxiety I can’t shake to go out and meet friends or go to even the store feels overwhelming . I have to many memories in this place everywhere I go , I see family’s seemingly happy and it kills me I feel like a failure as a father I’m having a hard time doing it alone, I don’t know how to . I seen a therapist but it didn’t seem to help at all . All I want is the happy life we had and to be together. But she won’t even talk to me. I’m assuming because she was humiliated by what transpired. I know I’m not at fault I even offered forgiveness to her her saying flirting is human nature just don’t cheat on me… She still left. Humans are the best and worst creatures on this planet. God help us .I pray for all of us to find happiness in this wicked fu***d up world.
Rob
Same boat guys, still love the girl. Yep, have the dreams we get back together or have great, passionate rediscovery love making-the best and worst dream right?! I went on a date-a-thon…10 women-no sex, wasn’t looking for that, still in love with the former Mrs. Wife…I’ll tell those who haven’t dated though, women are the aggressors nowadays-very disappointing!! Seems we are all in a pickle and when darkness falls, depression kicks in and the tears jump on board, well it makes life seem a lot less worth living-admit it, many of us have thought of ending it. I’m trying to take a different approach and instead of singing her praises, give you pointers. The following WILL help you mend, preoccupy your mind and soften the blow:
1. Exercise-ain’t gotta be a gym rat-a fast paced walk through the neighborhood will work-avoid the treadmill, get your ass outdoors!
2. Lookup old friends-they’re gonna be glad to see you and wonder why you dumped them-friendships are priceless!!
3. Find a hobby, don’t care what-better if you can meet with others who have similar interest-you’ll make friends
4. When you find out someone is divorcing, you owe it to them to listen, advise, swap emotions and tears if necessary-we all need support.
Letting go is a process, often times a long one however, you can influence the finish line…
Jackie Pilossoph
Thank you for your really great and insightful input! It means a lot and hopefully will help others!
John
We were married 20 years and outside of the usual arguments, I thought we were fine. But, at the same time, I was suffering from depression. But that was my problem and she did nothing to help me. One day, she just up and told me that our marriage had been great, but that she found someone else. A married co-worker as it were. I was completely blind sided, never saw it coming. Since then, I have not dated anyone and pretty much keep to myself. I am retired, so there is not much going on in my life. Trouble is, even though it has been 11 years since the divorce, it seems like yesterday. I am still hurt, hate her, love her my emotions run the gamut. I am still depressed and cry almost every day. She is re-married and is doing fine. How do I get her out of my mind once and for all? I don’t understand why I even care. I know I am being ridiculous and all the things to do if you don’t want to forget her pertain to me. I just don’t stalk her. I am wasting my life, but have no idea how to get over this.
Bob
I have been divorced for over 25 years and still not able to get over it. In reflecting back I know I was very immature emotionally and acted like a child. I wish I could go back and alter my behavior but understand it’s not that easy. I have since remarried and do love my wife but I can not seem to let my previous love go. I’m at the point of giving up and possibly ending current marriage since I can’t give her my all. Pretty depressed.
Jeff
My wife and I were only married 11 months but were friends 11 years. We had close bonds with each other’s family. I left for two years for a service mission and she developed a relationship with a friend who was a girl she coached in high school. She’s 8 years older than her but they claim they are soulmates and best friends. They’re friendship was always more important when I returned home. My ex broke so many promises to me and lied about her live I feel. She’d find any excuse to be with her friend and we fought over priorities. I did everything I could to live her but she never put any effort in the marriage I feel. She asked me one day if I’d give her some space so she could get over her negative feelings for me. Well all she did was party and actually get divorce papers ready. 3 weeks later I knew something was wrong and finally got her to admit what she was doing. She told me that the marriage problems were my fault 100% and she’s never been happier with me gone. I sacrificed so much when she was in a car wreck and bed ridden for months. I worked, went to school took care of the house and bills and stayed up late to rub her aching feet or tickle her back or just be with her when she needed. I slept almost 4 hours a night and would do it again for how she loved me back during the time. But as soon as she got better, she changed and wanted to leave. Now she’s accusing me of abuse and stalking just to make me hurt worse. She’s killing me and I am now fighting legal matters to false claims. It’s like she’s not the same woman I loved. But I still want her back with all she did.
Jacob
Not been with my ex wife for about 2 and a half years. Feels like it happened yesterday. She has moved on and got a house and a new bf. I barely get to see my kids and miss them so much. I still deep down care for my ex and can’t get over her. I keep thinking she will ask me back. I cry every single night. I have dreams that we are a family again. I made some bad decisions when I was married but never really thought I’d be divorced. I just wish I could get her back. I’m so sorry.
Bob
Ive been divorced from my first wife for 25 years and currently remarried, but still can’t let go of first divorce. Constantly blame myself. Had felt lately the need to reach out to her to apologise for not being a better husband to her.
John
Hi, just wishing to share my story as I feel it helps easing the pain a little. It’s like an addiction we have to get over, the emotional scars and the pain, oh boy it hurts. We were married for 13 years and she divorced me three years ago. We would still go on holidays together, with our 4 kids and while on holiday, she and I would get together after we both would have had some alcohol. However, she would tell me she would just get together with me as she would be drunk. For me it hurt, but I would be kidding myself always thinking it would lead to something more. We went on holiday for Christmas 2017 but I did not want to get intimate with her as I thought I want her to give herself to me as much as I want her. When I spoke to her and made my feelings for her clear, she told me she is seeing someone else, or she is in love with someone else. It broke my heart to hear this.I still told her that I love her and if she would give us a chance, things would be way different this time. However, she is just cold towards me. I cry my eyes out and don’t sleep at night, thinking about her. I don’t believe her when she says she is seeing someone else. I have tried everything, and the surprising thing is, why are all of these really strong feelings for her suddenly coming up so strongly, after being divorced for three years. On the other hand, whenever she has a problem, whether it be something needing fixing at home or when she is late from work and unable to collect our youngest two children from school, I would be the one running to be there as she would call or text me; when there is a problem with her car I am the one being contacted. Having read through how many of you guys have come out the other way, from today I am going to start distancing myself from her, being firm with her that I won’t go out of my way for her any longer and start distancing myself from her. Unfortunately we do not have family to help out with facilitating the contact between me and the children so I am still having to see her when I am seeing the children. Thanks all, it’s really helpful reading how many of you have come out the other way.
Arthur
I have a similar story to John’s post but a bit different. Me and my ex was married for nine years, married at 18. Had a son together, who made us stick together for a lot longer than we should. We have been separated for a year an half, divorced officially since last June. Since that time we have hooked up, and gotten back together for a few days at a time. This was mentally tolling on me, and the euphoric of having what I remembered, wasn’t as great as I expected. In the beginning, I wanted to give up and I fell into depression. An affair she had, ruined our family, and ultimately led to our split. However, after falling down, I decided to not let it define me. My life has taken a huge turn for the better, in the time of our separation. Now I know I never needed her, I wanted her, but I can live without her. It’s hard because I will always love her, but I know she will never live up to the memories I seem to only recall. The truth is, the bad memories outweighed the good. You can not rewrite your past, and I believe falling into this trap of reconciliation is a pipe dream. Each time we decided to make things work, I realized how unhappy I truly was. The separate paths we took in our time apart, drove us even further apart. I deal with the deep feeling in my stomach, thinking about what I thought I once had. I understand the pain that burns inside us all, unable to understand why our vows meant two different things. In time, that pain doesn’t happen as much, and we find ourselves.
I have found someone who loves me the way I loved my ex wife. Who I can see looking at me with a deep affection. The whole argument of there being 6 billion other people, is a great one. If we believe in soulmates, then obv they are our exes for a reason. A soulmate completes you, supports you, and never gives up on you. We would not have gone through a divorce, if she was my true soul mate.
Jackie Pilossoph
This is absolutely beautiful and true!! It makes you wonder if sometimes people mourn the idea of what they had and what they wanted, versus the actual person. Sometimes people mourn the actual sadness because they’ve had it for so long, they dont know how to live without it. in other words, they don’t know how to live without feeling sad and missing their ex. You sound great! I wish you all the best.
LB
Yeah I drink. So what. Everybody drinks. I don’t want to stop. She should have stuck by me. She went to Vegas with some guy. Saw it on her blog. I work, eat fast food, and sleep. She goes to Vegas.
She didn’t even care when I had a heart attack a few months after the divorce. I know she left me because of my health. I worked. I came home. I didn’t cheat on her but I could have.
Two years now and I don’t even have her phone number and she blocked me online. Btch. Ten years of marriage and she threw it all away.
Beware of unconditional love it doesn’t exist.
JF
Great blog and support for us guys. Married 26 years and together 27 years. Last adult child left home and she decides she wants freedom. I didnt drink,drugs,flirt just paid the bills and loved her. Her new friends at work,both divorced ,convinved her what a wonderful time she will have at 55. I think there is a third wheel but cant confirm it. Really tough going but guys look up the definition and traits of a narcissist,it will ease your pain. Find something to do and get your grief over and done with.
Edward
26 years divorced. Veteran. I am 2-6. Even with the person I’m with now I just can’t be ultimately happy. My ex and I have a son. I think about the beginning and how we were I would always be there and such and even when she cheated on me when I was deployed I still wanted to make it work until I saw someone walking out our house. And that triggered everything inside. And still I wonder what I did wrong. Maybe I should’ve called out and stay home or maybe I shouldn’t have deployed. Yea I understand I’m young. But somehow no matter how much I tell myself I have someone it just goes back to the ex and everything we had and our boy we created. Am I wrong for taking all the blame and guilt and secretly depressed inside but put on a fake smile for everyone? Am I wrong for staying with her for so long and letting her have affairs while I was at work and still trying to make it work? I can honestly admit that I am lost. Yes it does sound pathetic and I just feel like maybe this is just something I can never get rid of with all this pain inside thinking about the past and everything I could’ve done differently. I understand I’m a lost cause just wanted to vent so maybe someone has opinions as to what I could be doing instead of wallowing in my past and what we first had. Idk
Jackie Pilossoph
First, God bless you for being a veteran and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your service. A couple thoughts. I get it that you love the mother of your child and you want to be a family. I understand how that feels. But, you also deserve to be with a woman who is faithful to you and that wants to be in a monogamous relationship. Maybe this woman now isn’t the one. Or, maybe you haven’t accepted the fact that you will never be in that traditional family-type unit again. It’s just a fact of divorce. That said, you can deeply love your son and also find true love with someone else. And you will see that you will be happier than you ever imagined. Some advice my parents always told me: be with someone who truly loves and adores you, and who is committed to being in the relationship. As far as looking back and wishing you could have done things differently, that is very unhealthy and unproductive. Just recognize what you wish you would have done differently, and then let it go. Our mistakes are what makes us better for future relationships. This is all good! You are only 26!! You have a beautiful boy and whole life ahead of you! Live it happily. Stop punishing yourself for no reason.
Oscar
4 years after my wife left, the grieving has been coming back.
I’ve spent the last 4 years trying to keep my fingers in the dyke, as I’ve had to take care of the kids alone (she abandoned me and the kids with 3 hours notice, and almost completely cut off our two kids after she left, so I’ve been a solo parent, and even if the kids were in college, I found that they needed enormous support, considering that one has a severe learning disability and both underwent multiple trauma, including the death of their younger sister followed almost immediately by a flood and then their mother cutting them off.
But both have now miraculously graduated from college this month. Getting them through college, along with trying to work and caretaking an ill sister and two aging parents has taken significant time, and never given me time to grieve (or breathe). But with the kids graduating, I realize how alone I’m going to be once they find jobs and move out and on.
I work for myself from home, . I’ve felt trapped here because of the increased workload.
I keep going back to the sweet wife I had before our daughter died, and I know that this is classic bargaining, but am thinking that I should have / could have done many things to hold it together.
At the same time, I realize that what she became after my daughter died was something else than what I’m grieving.
Many people also grieve the loss of their friend or relative after mental illness has changed them, and I’m going through that as well.
But the grieving has curiously intensified now that I’ve completed the task of getting the kids through college.
I have been so overwhelmed for the past four years (or really the past 7, since our daughter died and we had the flood), that I had little time to grieve.
Jackie Pilossoph
First of all, God bless you for everything you have done for your children. You should be filled with pride and self-love for being so selfless all these years. I’m so sorry about your wife and so very sorry you are lonely and feeling alone. Here are my thoughts. You should try to work on accepting that you can never go back to that “sweet life.” I’m so sorry I have to say that to you, but it’s actually the sweet life you miss, not necessariy your ex-wife. You miss the old her, not the person she became after tragedy. And, I think you miss having someone/a partner/a spouse. You are wise to realize that maybe you haven’t finished grieving your loss, so maybe do that. Let yourself feel the pain and find faith to get you through it. Lastly, you deserve to find love with someone else if that’s what you want. Think of this time as a good time–a time for you to focus on being happy and finding love. I wish you all the best. xo
Chris
Hi came across this thread probably like most men who are seeking an answer to what feels like your life is ending. Last year my wife walked out leaving our family. We have three daughters under 16. Our eldest refuses to see her so she collects the two youngest at weekends. One of our daughters is severely disabled and I just can’t believe this is happening. She lies about her relationship status to the children ad me. Weve heard so many different rumours. As far as she is concerned the entire 16 years were the worst of her life. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get over it. We left our home and moved to an island and although she never calls the kids, never helps out with anything, picks them up Fri drops them back Sun she is blocking us from going back home. She became involved with online psychics and a religion called otherkin which she won’t admit were her influences and motivation for leaving. Perhaps me telling her to leave for over a year in anger didn’t help but I genuinely didn’t want her to leave but couldn’t stand her rejection. I have no social life and live on an island with women who are disconnected from monogamous relationships. Its been over a year since she left and the emotional discomfort is getting worse. Recently I have questioned my will to continue. I know this is stupidity and wholly selfish but the feeling of despair and loneliness leads me to such thoughts. I think, had I of been back home I would’ve grieved and moved on but when your options of moving on are so limited and restricted you can’t help but feel all hope is gone. I know there’s no magical answer and the girls need me but im not a machine. If anything I have had an opportunity to atleast now tell others a bit of what I feel
Bigben
Reading all your issues here; damn! I think I do not have a problem. I am my own problem