Can this marriage be saved? Read what this guy writes, followed by my thoughts and advice, and then decide.
What I find so frustrating is that my wife has not tried anything to save our marriage. Heck, I am not perfect but I have tried! I also forgave her for a 2+ year affair. She can’t forgive me for anything. I still love her and so much want to recreate our 29 year marriage…but I cannot do it by myself!
When two people decide that their marriage is on the rocks and that they are considering getting divorced, I believe they can come back from it. I have seen couples get back together and have a better marriage than ever, even after being on the brink of divorce.
That said, there is one thing that has to happen for the couple to even have the slightest shot at getting their marriage back on track: BOTH PEOPLE HAVE TO WANT IT. In this case, it sounds like the wife is done. And, when one person decides they are done, I believe that really is the end.
“I cannot do it by my myself,” this guy writes. He is correct. Bless his heart that he wants to try, but there is no way it will work if his wife checked out. I admire him for forgiving her for her affair. But, I’m not sure he realizes what a breach of trust that is, and how difficult it is to come back from that, especially since she doesn’t seem to want that.
“She can’t forgive me for anything,” he writes. That to me says two things: one, he has the self-awareness to admit fault for some of their problems. This is very refreshing from so many men and women who write to me saying, “I can’t believe he/she wants a divorce. We had the perfect life, etc. etc.” Unlike people who say things like that, this guy is living in reality. Furthermore, it sounds like the wife is harboring so much resentment, and just cannot come back from the bad feelings that she has had for so long.
I want to give this guy some good news, which is that (and this is only my opinion) I do believe he will be divorced. I know that isn’t good news, but the good news is, looking back, he will realize that this stage in his life was much worse than the actual divorce, as he will look back at how he was treated and what he was willing to put up with (settle for) with his wife. He will go through some tough times during and after the divorce, but then, hopefully someday, he will find acceptance, peace, happiness, and if he so desires, a woman who loves him and who will not have a 2+ year affair.
I could be wrong, but I strongly feel that this guy needs to start accepting that there is a good chance his relationship is over. He is right. He cannot save the marriage himself. He needs her on the same page, and it doesn’t sound like she is.
This is a sad situation, but unless his wife does a 360, I think he will be better off in the long run if the marriage ends.
DavidDavid
Wow, this is my situation…and you posted it. My W said she was done and she has done nothing but treat me badly to indifferently for 10 months. Heck she couldn’t even wish me Happy Fathers Day. I keep praying that God will soften her heart. If she would choose to have positive thoughts about me/our marriage…am sure her feelings toward me would improve and we might be able to stop this divorce. She has admitted to just snapping last summer and wanting to live an authentic life. Huh? How much more authentic can life be with 4 great kids, her own great career, families and friends who love us both etc. We completed mediation and the D will be final after 9/1. I am accepting that we will be D but I will never understand how she changed into the person she has been since last July.
Jackie Pilossoph
I’m sorry to hear that your divorce is going to happen for sure, but not surprised (as I stated.) I hope I helped. I truly feel for you. I’m sure it is very hard to accept. It is heartbreaking and hurtful and scary and confusing. But someday (I hope soon) you will be in a better place and in a relationship that is fulfilling and that makes you feel loved and cared for. Hang in there! Things will get better.
David
Thanks. An observation I would make is there seems to be too much acceptance of D as the correct option. The sanctity of marriage is taken too lightly IMO.
Wes
Hi David,
Sorry to hear of the impending divorce. I know how tough it can be.
I also agree that there people turn to divorce as the option rather than working at it.
I also feel like there is far too much out there that glamorizes divorce.
Sometimes divorce is the only option though, sadly!
David
Wes,
There are valid reasons for divorce (physical abuse, serious emotional abuse, serial infidelity, addictions)…but in my case….lack of love or lack of feelings? Really? While I will acknowledge that my W feels as she does….marriage is about comittment…and that includes comittment to see if you can get get your feelings or love back for a spouse…instead of (in my W’s case anyway)…making decisions that will make her happy’ allow her to live some sort of new authentic life. She makes those decisions and see’s how it hurts our kids, our families, our friends, me (not that she cares at the present time). My W was less than 1 1/2 yr removed from a 2+ year affair when she dropped the B on me. An affair that I had forgiven her for and was working hard to repair our relationship since that discovery. Then B drops. W will not accept that she blind sided me (I had never heard her utter the D word in @ 30 yrs of marriage and had never heard her say she did not love me or not have feelings for me; in fact she was telling/writing how much she loved me on BDay and FDay cards right before she dropped the B. When asked…she said she was pretending. The whole thing is a nitemare…but I remain loving and kind to her and pray that God will soften her heart towards me/our marriage. That said, am prepared for the worst…which is D is final after 9/1/2016. My only solace is that I have tried everything I know to save our marriage.
Barb
I know somewhat how you feel. My husband of 32 years announced, out of the blue, that he’s moving out and away, to a house he rented weeks prior across the country. His reason: “I don’t want to waste the rest of my life on this” — “this” being me and our family, which includes our mostly grown children.
No emotion, no reasonable explanation, no possibility of changing his mind. He’s done with us. Our feelings and thoughts do not matter. He’s free and happy, and that’s all that matters. “Everybody divorces,” he says.
32 years of good, though obviously not perfect, marriage. Gone, along with our family and hopes for the future and life and world as we / I have known it.
david
Update: Miracles do happen. It was my situation that started the thread on this post. For reasons only my W can fully understand we are in day 51 of reconciliation. We are seeing a new/joint counselor and attended Retrouvaille week end She decided on her own to move back into our house. The D was cancelled (only the decree for dissolution of marriage was left to be completed…and it is now dismissed) she has completely moved back into our house and we are working on our marriage and it is great. To any that might be in this situation…Love is a Choice/A Decision. Friends and family mean well but should NOT be giving advice. Treat each other as kindly as possible while the separation/divorce process is going on….try not to throw each other under the bus. Pray that God will help. I also strongly recommend attending a Retrouvaille week-end. It was very powerful. Thanks Jackie for this blog and her earlier response. It helped then.
Jackie Pilossoph
that is amazing!! It makes me very happy to hear. I wish you all the best. Wonderful!