Dating after divorce is different for everyone. Some people start dating right when they decide to separate and/or move out, perhaps because their marriage has been over for years and they have felt alone for such a long time. Others wait months or even years, due to the trauma or shock of the divorce, because they lack self-confidence, or possibly because they just need time to heal.
There are so many variables in dating after divorce and what the right time is. And, there are no right or wrong answers.
Here is an email I received:
I got divorced 14 months ago…actually the divorce isn’t technically final still, but moved out and am divorced.
I’ve been on a few dates, but been super hesitant. It doesn’t help that most my friends I’ve had over the last 10+ are all married as well.
Any signs that you think I know when I’ll be more comfortable asking girls out or putting myself out there more?
Again, every divorced person has a different timetable on when he or she feels comfortable in dating after divorce. That said, here are 10 signs you will know you are ready to start dating:
1. You find yourself thinking less about the past and what happened. You stop trying to figure out what went wrong and you are more focused on today.
2. You feel like you are in a routine. A good one—not the come home from work, crack open a beer, sit in front of the TV and be sad, but rather work is feeling productive, you are enjoying time spent with your kids, and single life is becoming not just bearable, but actually good.
3. You see a woman walking down the street and you are struck by her beauty.
4. Someone asks if they can set you up on a blind date and you are not disgusted by the thought.
5. You feel good about yourself—more confident–much better than you have in the past.
6. You meet someone and you actually feel curious to get to know her more. You’re not even sure what you want, you just know you’d like to know more about her.
7. You are accepting what happened and you have stopped blaming yourself or your ex. You have decided to focus more on this new life—not what she did to you or what you did to add to the demise of your marriage.
8. You are less angry and sad, and find yourself more at peace with what happened.
9. You like yourself.
10. You have physical desire for sex.
The thing is, dating after divorce in my opinion really does depend on who you meet, combined with where you are in your divorce healing process.
You could meet the perfect person, but the timing is off because you just aren’t ready to date yet. Or, you could really feel ready to date and go out there and not meet anyone who feels like a good match.
The advice I would give to anyone asking how he knows if he is ready for dating after divorce yet is:
1. Don’t put pressure on yourself to date. Just wait until you want to. If you force yourself, it won’t go well.
2. Go out with women as friends. Again, no pressure. Just go out with people to enjoy someone’s company and to make a new friend. The best relationships start out that way.
3. When you start dating after divorce, don’t feel guilty—like you are doing something wrong, or that because you have young kids you aren’t a good parent if you have a girlfriend. That is just a waste of energy, and unproductive.
4. Let dating be fun. After what was probably the roughest time in your life, you deserve to enjoy yourself, enjoy someone and just have fun.
Every newly separated or newly divorced person always says, “I’ll never love anyone like I loved my wife/husband ever again.” And, every single person ends up falling madly in love. For some it takes months, for others it takes years. But it does happen if the person wants that. Just be patient, don’t rush into anything (although who are we kidding? We’ve all done that,) and let yourself be happy. You deserve it!
Lee Fries
You had written one of your better articles until this at the end :”Every newly separated or newly divorced person always says, “I’ll never love anyone like I loved my wife/husband ever again.” And, every single person ends up falling madly in love.” NOT every person- you do better when you don’t make these sweeping generalizations.
Jackie Pilossoph
YOu are so right. I don’t generalize as much as I used to, but this time I did. I should have said, “So many people say….” and “So many of them end up falling madly in love.” 🙂
Rick G
Thanks for the article. Personally, I have been rather scared when thinking about dating again. I wasn’t particularly good at it 25 years ago. Too much stress. Approaching it like I am getting to know a new friend and just having fun is a great idea. I know I can do that!